It came to my attention this morning during training that I m not really excited about this upcoming meet yet. And I really need to be. I really should be. Its one I ve been excited about doing for the past couple of years now. Its the Women s PRO/AM in Cincinatti, hosted by Laura Phelps Sweatt (if you are a powerlifter, no explanation is needed, if not she s THE GODDESS of powerlifting). Only 75 spots are available and this year they sold out in under an hour. I was fortunate enough to get in, registering around number 63 just 13 minutes after registration opened. Crazy. So I should be totally PUMPED for this. I m just not yet. Hopefully that s just because April sounds so far away to me right now. In two weeks I ll start my comp cycle so I m hoping the pump finds me then if not sooner. That being said, I didn t have a stellar training session this morning bench accessory day. I went through the motions but I wasn t truly focused on what I was doing. When you re benching, you need to be focused. There are so many things to focus on, the mental checklist is super long. Physically I felt great. I got some great rest this weekend and my nutrition was pretty good, all things considered. Its the mental focus that is lacking. And that is my issue. I just need to figure out why. Where or where did my focus go?
The rest of my life is busy as usual. I m not new to being over-scheduled and having more to do than hours to do it in. I think its just different. Obviously the kids and their needs are the biggest bandits of my time. But the things they need me for now are bigger and more stressful. I know that the changes over the past year are nothing compared to the changes that lie ahead. Ben got his driver s license last April and while that lightened my driving load a little, it added the stress of making sure his car is in good running order, there s money to put fuel in the tank and of course the general worry about him being in charge of a deadly weapon, amidst a million crazy people also in charge of moving death machines. Amy started high school in Rutland this year too. So now instead of knowing she s getting on the bus to get to and from school, its a daily conversation (or multitude of conversations) to make sure she has a ride in, a ride home, a ride to practice. I have to admit, she s done very well at making this task her own. She s generally way ahead of me and just lets me know when I need to be picking her up but I still need the conversations. So there are actually fewer things that I do for them but far more and bigger things that they need from me. Mom can you review my essays for my Academy application? Should I sign up to take the SATs in January? What if I don t do well? When should I take them again? Should I order the study guide? Should I hire an SAT tutor? I need to visit Norwich so I can talk to an ROTC person. What if I don t get into the Academy? What if I don t get into the Academy? I really want to go the the Academy. Does this tie go with this shirt? Do you think I stand a chance at getting into the Academy? The boy makes my head spin. And I feel like THE. LUCKIEST. MOM. ALIVE. to have this kind of stress.
Part of me is very freaked out about what comes next for my boy. I take that back. ALL of me is freaked out about it. I know my days with both kids at home are numbered. And those numbers are rapidly getting smaller. And perhaps that s part of what has happened to my focus. I feel so ADD most days. Is the underlying reason for that my fear of what comes next? What am I going to do when my first born leaves home? Even scarier what am I going to do when they are both gone? I try not to tackle that one very often. That one had me all but paralyzed for a while. I try to take comfort however, knowing that many before me have survived this same situation. Perhaps there will be more time for me to focus on me. Everything is temporary and that s what s getting me through day to day. Just because all of these stressful things are going on now, doesn t mean they will go on forever. Likely they will be replaced by other stresses but I am holding out hope that there is light at the end of this tunnel and that its not a freight train. Maybe by putting this out there, by getting it out of my head, I stand a better chance at being able to focus on my training when I m training.